You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
did i walk over a car last night?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Randomize
