I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
