I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
