Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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