I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
