i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
