bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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