i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
