Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
