shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
