Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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