my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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