I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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