I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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