So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
