There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
