Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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