Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
NoShamevember. You game?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
