the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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