in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Life without a bra equals bliss.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
