I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
