I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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