He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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