I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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