it hurts more in the daytime
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
