I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
