i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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