just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize