ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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