I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
