There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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