just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize