Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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