the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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