if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
