Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
