I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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