we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
