I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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