I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize