Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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