I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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