The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
