They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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