Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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