dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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