i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
there is glitter all over my balls
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
