god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
