You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
