I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
