I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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