you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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