Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I intend to get homeless drunk
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
