I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
