I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
