It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
